Post Whores II

[MadMaxx61]

[both teams have been arguing over the nature of irony for 2 hours]
Church: Okay. We all agree that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everyone happy with that?

 

[MadMaxx61]

[Tucker is complaining about having to handle a switch on Church's robotic body, which is located near the crotch area]
Tucker: I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
Church: You *obviously* did not know Tex that well.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Tex: Someone hired a freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?
Tucker: I can't say.
Tex: Keeping secrets? I find that attractive...
Tucker: You do?
Tex: In attractive people, yeah.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Tex: Everybody in the division was paired with an AI, and codenamed for a state.
Donut: What was your codename, Tex?
Tex: Nevada.
Tucker: One for each state? So there's fifty of you...
Tex: Forty-nine. Remember?
Tucker: Ohh, yeah... that's right. Man, poor Florida. *sigh*.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Tucker: You know, I miss the old days, when you guys were just a bunch of nameless assholes I'd yell at with Church.
Grif: It's ok, man.
[voice breaking*]
Grif: We hate you too.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Tucker: Hollywood doesn't understand the apocalypse. They think that if just one thing from everyday life goes away, that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior, it was gas, and in Waterworld, it was land.
Simmons: What went away in The Matrix?
Tucker: Sunlight.
Grif: I thought the missing element was "plot".
Tucker: I'm talking about Matrix 1.
Simmons: Oh, right

 

[MadMaxx61]

Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: [annoyed] No. I NEVER wonder why we're here. Semper fi, bitch!

 

[MadMaxx61]

[Frank is possessed by an evil AI which can't control Frank entirely]
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: Man, that guy is wicked fast!
[Frank's voice]
Frank DuFresne: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
[O'Malley's evil voice]
Frank DuFresne: YOU SUCK!

 

[MadMaxx61]

Sheila: [has just been blown up, and is dying] I'm scared, Dave, will I dream?
[singing]
Sheila: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...
Caboose: Sheila! NOOOO!
Tucker: Oh, God! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?
Caboose: Sheila was the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Dude, I knew you could pick up chicks in that tank

 

[MadMaxx61]

O'Malley: Your soul is the cavern of lies.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Church: Tucker! Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: Church... the purple guy... he's...
Church: Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley, he must have gotten the medic somehow...
Tucker: No... he's an asshole...

 

[MadMaxx61]

Caboose: [waiting for Lopez to fix the tank] Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Fix the tank! So that I say hello to Sheila!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: And start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds, right?
Caboose: Of course!
[through Caboose]
O'Malley: For starters!

 

[MadMaxx61]

Sarge: Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die.
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to RETREAT. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah... let's all take dying as an open-action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. YEAARRRRHH!
[charges]

 

[MadMaxx61]

Donut: Hey guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody - and I'm not gonna say who - might have thought that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder. And somebody - not naming any names here - might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.
Grif: Was it you?
Donut: Yeah. Uh, no!
[clears throat, deepens voice]
Donut: I mean, no.
[pause]
Donut: Dammit.

 

[MadMaxx61]

[Tucker is driving the tank and can't get it to slow down]
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the **** do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so cunfused!
Sheila: The controller, retard!
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
[pause]
Sheila: Retard.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir
Sarge: Hey, Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?

 

[MadMaxx61]

Sarge: [Lopez is singing - badly] What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!

 

[MadMaxx61]

Caboose: And Sheila will love me again. And this time, for who I am. And not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too.

 

[MadMaxx61]

Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!
Church: [from the other side of the Blue's base] Oh, don't even START, Caboose!

 

[MadMaxx61]

[a Red Grunt in what appears to be a Halo Deathmatch in Battle Creek has just "won"]
Red Grunt: Good game! Good game everybody! G-G, man, G-G! Ugh!
[Red Grunt "dies", implying he has quit the game]