Post Whores II

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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: What are you two guys doing?
Tucker: We're gonna teach the alien to speak English.
Church: How are you going to do that?
Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
Tucker: **** that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those are the rules, dude: Earth colony, Earth language.
Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth!
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Tucker: Chicks will do anything for money!
Tex: That's not true!
Tucker: Oh, yeah? I'll give you 10 bucks to tear off Grif's arm!
Tex: [turning quickly to look at Simmons and Grif] Which one's Grif?
[Grif gestures towards Simmons while slowly backing away]
Grif: [whispering] He's Grif.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Grif: Hey, you're back! How'd the Humpday thing go?
Simmons: Umm...
Church: Oh, it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
Grif: So you lost.
Church: Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sarge: Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sarge: [Caboose is standing on Sarge's shoulders, looking into the Blue Team's base] What do you see?
Caboose: I see... A room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls... And some ceilings. Wait! Just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's makin' all that racket?
Blue Team: Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Blue Grunt: Yeah, I love reloading! I love to reload!
Red Grunt: [Melee kills the Blue Grunt] Oh! Back of the head!
Blue Grunt: Ooh! Tell my girlfriend that I love her.
Red Grunt: She's my girlfriend now, @#$%!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Frank DuFresne: Look, I found something really weird at here Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Vic: Roger that, what did you find?
Frank DuFresne: It's... it's like... uhh... it's like a thing...
Vic: It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude, thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff...
Frank DuFresne: Sorry...
Vic: Move to DefCon 1.
Frank DuFresne: I'm a little dazed... it's a big thing... it's purple... it's a big purple thing...
Vic: Use your words, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Look, I don't know, it looks like some kind of alien artifact. Do the aliens have, like, a home base or something here?
Vic: I don't know, dude... why don't I just consult my extraterrestrial travel guide for you. Oh, look! They have a great series of alien bed-and-breakfasts there! Lucky you.
Frank DuFresne: Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sarge: Actually, the problem is with Lopez!
Grif: Don't tell me. The ambassador from Spanishland is coming, and without Lopez we don't have anyone to translate.
Simmons: There's no such thing as "Spanishland", you retard...
Grif: Yes, there is. They have those, um, waterslides... and all that salsa!
Simmons: No... they don't.
Grif: Well... I guess you would know.
Simmons: What's that supposed to mean?... FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M DUTCH-IRISH!
Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Blue Command: Hello Dude, come in, Doctor dude, are you there... paging Dr. Dude to the radio, stat! I need 20 CC's of what the hell's going on down there, dude.
Frank DuFresne: Ugggh, what happened?
Blue Command: Hey, you tell me, dude... one minute we're talkin' about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn into Grumps McGurt... sounded like you needed a lozenge... threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude...
Frank DuFresne: Geez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping hawking -...
Blue Command: Hey, no offense taken, dude, don't got any kids anyway -...
Frank DuFresne: What?
Blue Command: Old Vic's been through the snip'n'stitch, if you know what I mean...
Frank DuFresne: I don't want to hear about that.
Blue Command: Winky-blinky, the one-eyed sergeant's firin' blanks...
Frank DuFresne: That's weird.
Blue Command: If you get me.
Frank DuFresne: Look...
Blue Command: Vaya Con Dios to the Vas Deferens!
Frank DuFresne: Yeah, enough, all right, I get you.
Blue Command: I need a vasectomy, dude.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
[Caboose has a crush on Sheila the tank, who is spending a lot of time with Lopez the robot]
Caboose: [yelling from the distance atop the Blue base] Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Vic: Hey dude.
Church: Vic hey
Vic: This is Vic... 555-VICK do do do... im not in the casita right now so leave your low down at the ding dong... asta
Church: Hey Vic this is church I need to...
Vics voicemail: you have reached the voicemail system
Church: *sighs* ok ok come on
Vics voicemail: To leave a message just wait for the tone
Church: I know how to leave a god damn message
Vics voicemail: When you are finished recording just hang up or push pound for more options
Church: Really hang up no shit... I was just going to keep on talking till he decided to check his voicemail
Vics voicemail: For delivery options press 5
Church: *angrily* Just give me the damn beep!
Vics voicemail: To leave a call back number press 8. To page this person press 6.
Church: COME ON!
Vics voicemail: To repeate this message press 9
Church: I will ****ing stab you computer phone lady!
[Some time later]
Vics voicemail: To mark this message as urgent press 11
Church: *Yelling* There is no 11 you ****ing whore!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Donut: [searching in Ghost for Grif] Grif! Grif! Oh Griiiiif!
[he finds him]
Donut: Oh! Hi Grif! There you are!
Grif: [sighs]
Donut: I've been looking all over for you! I looked inside the base, I looked around the base, I looked on top of the base, I looked insided the base again...
Grif: I think you need to learn what "All over" means.
Donut: Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back and...
Grif: Forget it! I'm not coming back!
Donut: Why?
Grif: It's SARGE. I know he's not going to call me to help him eat ice cream! He's gonna make me do stuff. Work stuff.
Donut: But...
Grif: Look, Donut. I know you're riding high on your new promotion, but don't think you can boss me around. Me and Simmons, we had a system. He didn't tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore him.
Donut: You ignored him all the time!
Grif: I'm sorry, what? I wasn't listening. See? The system works! Learn the system, Donut!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your Commanding Officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a big bear hug and make you call me 'Daddy'.
Church: Uhh... Thank God for the Chain of Command?
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: Yeah, I've been thinking about our orders from command... Uh, Cappy... and, I gotta tell ya, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.
Tucker: I think we should listen to this guy, Captain. He seems to know plenty about being offensive.
Church: Can it, shit bird.
Tucker: See?
Capt. Butch Flowers: Men, your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer, I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug, and make you call me Daddy.
[laughs]
Church: Um... thank God for the chain of command?
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Capt. Butch Flowers: I think I'm commanding the finest army in all of Blood Gulch.
Tucker: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?
Church: Yeah, you know... the enemy?
Capt. Butch Flowers: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentleman. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. And yes, uh, also, those red guys.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Capt. Butch Flowers: Now, I know you're worried about our mission, but I can tell you this - there's nothing more important to me than the safety and well-being of my men. Or my name isn't Captain... Butch... Flowers.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
[the Sarge is back into the real world and finds Simmons and Grif]
Sarge: What... what happened here?
Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
Grif: I always believed in you, Simmons.
Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.
Sarge: Grif?
Simmons: Yes, sir.
Sarge: Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
Grif: [sighs] You're welcome, sir.
Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages? Use your fingers, not your knuckles. That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. Oh, yeah, shee-atsu.
 
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