Post Whores II

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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
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Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and occasionally a Strawberry Yoohoo... or Sarsaparilla... Grenadine, straight from the can, dee-licious... Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a Sex On The Beach or a Pina Colada.
[sings]
Sarge: If you like Pina Coladas / and getting caught in the rain / If you're not into yoga / Grif just has half a brain.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and...
Tex: The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
Tex: Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you, Caboose.
Caboose: See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
Church: ...okay. I was talking to Gary and...
Caboose: Told you so!
Church: Goddammit!
Caboose: Classic Church.
Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
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36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Tucker: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Some slimy-toothed monster scared the crap out of Church! Ha-ha!
Tex: He didn't scare the crap out of him. He scared the *soul* out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap... stupid crap-for-soul!
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now.
Tex: Well... then let's go get this big 'thing' of yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up.
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up.
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe... bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you've got sisters - bow-chicka - who are twins - bow-wow!
Church: Shut up...
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: [continues to do the guitar riff]
Church: Shut up. Shut up! Shut... up!...
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Tucker: We haven't seen that alien thing come out so it's probably still hiding in there.
Caboose: Or, eating Church
Tex: All right, lets roll.
Church: Okay, here we go.
Tucker: ...Uhh we're not moving.
Church: Yea, yea, okay... here we go.
Tucker: We're still not moving.
Caboose: Does talking count as moving?
Tex: All right, screw it. You guys get behind me and stay tight...
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: How's it going, Tucker? We get any useful information out of the prisoner yet?
Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything. Except a list of crockpot recipes. Would that be "useful'?
Church: Do we *have* a crockpot?
Tucker: No, Caboose had a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a "Mystery Box'.
Church: What was in the "Mystery Box'?
Tucker: One hundred forty jars of mayonnaise.
[sarcastically]
Church: Well, *that's* a good trade.
[not picking up on it]
Tucker: Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen!
Church: How did you... never mind.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
[Caboose is "interrogating" Donut]
Caboose: This is fun! Okay, okay, your turn! Truth or dare?
Donut: Hmm... truth!
Caboose: Ok... tell me... all of the Red's secret plans!
Donut: Aww! You tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Ok, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is...
[Church's Ghost runs in and takes control of Donut's body]
Church: Caboose! It's me, Church! I possessed this guy so we can... hey. This pink armor is kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?
[sadly]
Caboose: Oh... nothing.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds...
[Tucker is silent]
Church: ... The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
Tucker: Dammit! I knew there would be a catch!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sarge: [Sarge introduces the special modifications he has made to the new robots] Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag!
Grif: Ow! OK fine. Two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag!
[the robot beeps, then hits Grif]
Grif: Ah, son of a bitch
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Grif: You think they'll show up?
Simmons: Well, my gut says no, but then again, my gut's made of an advanced polymer, and it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. Stupid gut.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Grif: [the Red and Blue teams call a truce] So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Andy The Bomb: Yea, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat!
Tex: He thinks we stink? It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.
Blue Elite: Blar?
Church: Caboose, what the **** man are you sure about this thing?
Caboose: Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all...
Blue Elite: Blar...
Caboose: ...since he bit me the first time.
Andy The Bomb: Heh heh, yea, that was hilarious.
Caboose: We think I might need a tetanus shot.
Blue Elite: Blar, blar blar, blarg.
Church: Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate.
[hacking cough]
Blue Elite: BLAR BLARGH!
Andy The Bomb: I don't think he liked that.
Tucker: Whoa man! What is that stench? Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here? It smells like old yogurt.
Blue Elite: Blargh blar, blar blar.
Tucker: Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?
Blue Elite: Honk!
Caboose: That's exactly what he said, right before he bit me.
Blue Elite: Blar blar, honk, blarg blar.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Tucker: [Tucker meets his "baby" for the first time] Uh, what do I do?
Church: Why are you asking me?
Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it.
Church: You *planned* this? Tucker, I had no idea...
Tucker: No, no, I mean I always wanted to have that ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for, like, 8 hours every other week and send checks to someone that I hate.
Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church: All right, look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker: Hey, don't leave me here with him! What am I supposed to say?
Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball!
Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes T-ball!
Church: *Alien*, Caboose. "Alien" was the keyword in that sentence.
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and then impregnate them! So... let's just start with that. Y'know, common ground.
Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church: CABOOSE!
 
M

MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Tucker: We haven't seen that alien thing come out so it's probably still hiding in there.
Caboose: Or, eating Church
Tex: All right, lets roll.
Church: Okay, here we go.
Tucker: ...Uhh we're not moving.
Church: Yea, yea, okay... here we go.
Tucker: We're still not moving.
Caboose: Does talking count as moving?
Tex: All right, screw it. You guys get behind me and stay tight...
Tucker: Bow-chicha-bow-wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.
 
M

MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Grif: [*Grif starts his "eulogy" for the "dead" Sarge*] Hey everybody, it's great to be here! Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean, besides "good riddance!"? Hoooo!
[*both he and his sister chuckle*]
Grif: Ha-ha. But seriously. Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Ha-ha-ha-ha! You know what I'm talkin' about.
Sarge: Come on! Is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif: Quiet in the front row! And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
Simmons: Too soon!
Grif: Hey now.
 
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MadMaxx61

Devilmaxx
Oct 13, 2008
5,458
1
36
39
Windsor, Ont, Canada
Sister: [*Simmons has threatened to call Red Command to confirm that Grif and his sister have to run*] You keep talking about them! Why don't you call *our* guys?
Grif: "Our" guys?
Sister: Yeah! The Blue guys!
Simmons: Excuse me, the wazza-wha?
Sister: The Blue guys! The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!
Simmons: Grif?
Grif: Uh, yeah... this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind.
Simmons: WHAT?
Sister: I don't get it! What's the gray guy so upset about?
Simmons: But girls can't be colorblind!
Sister: Yeah? Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either! But guess what?
Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?
Simmons: I can't believe it! It was such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick, quick, get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!...
 
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