funny post for today

[ripmf666]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.



He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his
watch for a moment.





The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it.



'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so
special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.



'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.



'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,....... 'Damn thing's an
hour fast!'

 

[NukleusX]

hahahha good one

 

[TX23]

This one's kind of long, but if you don't laugh when reading this, there's something wrong with you...

A Gift for my Wife

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

[ripmf666]

LOL I like that

 

[NukleusX]

thats a great one, LMAO. read it elsewhere a while back, but its one them ones that never gets old! HAHAhahahaha

 

[mvnvltn]

:hehe:

 

[dieseljoe]

s.o.b. man i just pissed all over myself. i started laughing when he looked at the cat.

 

[4cstr]

One of my personal favorites. Again...a bit long...but worth it.

Texas Chilli Contest

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- [Unable to report]

 

[dieseljoe]

that one is old, i have seen it 3 or 4 times. but it still makes me roll out of the chair:rofl: